Thursday, January 15, 2009

Moving On and Waiting Again

Sometimes I feel like this is my life..."Hurry up and wait!" I have been thinking for two days that I'm tired of opening my blog to check the updates on others, and having to see the post I wrote a few days ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all ashamed of what I wrote. It was what I was/am feeling and that's what blogs are all about. And, I absolutely am OVERWHELMED by the love in all of the comments I received that I open them up and read them over and over again. Boy am I blessed and boy are those words just not sufficient to express how grateful I am for the people who love us and lift us up, who stand in the gap for us.

But the post itself is sad and I need to move on, in both the blog and the real world. But when you think about it, that's life, isn't it? In some ways I don't want to move on because, just like anything else, it begins to feel like it didn't really happen and people begin to forget. Even though I was not very far along in either of my pregnancies, I will never forget that Richard and I have two children we were never able to meet. Part of me doesn't want to move on from that. It sounds strange, but there's something almost comforting in the grief of it all. It is the potential I think I grieve for the most.

I've had a hard time making it back to work. I've tried, only to come home because I couldn't stop crying. I'm hoping that as my hormones work themselves out, that will start to dissipate. But I know there will be days I will just cry and that's okay. Yesterday was not a good one; well, it didn't start out well, anyway. I made it until about 9:30 at school, and then just couldn't do it. I came home (I have the BEST coworkers who are more like my family than anything else). Thank you to any who may be reading this post...Jody, Donna, Amanda, Paige, Nancy, Sheila, Linda, Neweta, have been right in the middle of this with me at school and your love has been overwhelming.

So, I get home, call Richard, cry some more and then settle in on the couch for a quick nap before I take the pups for a walk and try to get outside per Nancy's and my mother's orders. Before I can do either of those things, one of my very best friends and one of the few people I feel knows me completely, calls. It was SO good to talk to Sally and catch up! Then, Richard gets home and pretty soon he is bringing me my tennis shoes, and mouthing, "Let's go, get up." I shake my head, "no." He insists. I lose. He DRAGS me to the golf course and all I can say is boy am I glad I have such a smart hubby. He wasn't taking no for an answer. And I needed that. I soaked up the sun and the cool, fresh air and laughed and thought and prayed. After golfing, we headed out to ride horses, something I've literally been craving for the last few days. What is it about horses that is so cathartic? I'm not exactly sure, but I could feel my heart mending ever-so-slightly as I talked to Professor and the other kids (that's what I call them).

So, yesterday turned out to be a great day. I don't know if I will attempt work tomorrow or not. One day at a time.

But I do have a weekend to look forward as I spend it with new friends in prayer and preparation for an upcoming Walk to Emmaus. I will be in Lubbock and I'm looking forward to many parts but mostly spending some quality time with fellow Christian sisters.

And I continue to wait on Him, the true healer and giver of life.


  1. I was just praying for you that God would lift your head and that you would allow your head to be lifted. I read with eager anticipation your words, devouring every one, looking in between to hear how you are doing. And I hear that your are slowly healing. I never really got to see you much, but I miss you just the same.

    Be still and know that I AM God...Ps 46:10
    Love ya

  2. Miss you. Glad you got to talk to Sally, I know it was a near miss getting to see her at Christmas...And I'm so glad you have "family" there at school - kinda like the good 'ole days (except now you don't have a brother to marry off to a co-worker)!

    Love you sister.

  3. I will be here all weekend (I think Ronnie and Drew are going to Childeress)...please let me take you out to eat Sunday or Saturday or sometime...I miss ya! Call me!

  4. we have been thinking about you guys and we love you.

  5. He is faithful. I am amazed by the strength and the courage that He has blessed you with, but my heart hurts for you and Richard. Moment by moment.

  6. Be kind to yourself, Sweet girl. Praying for you.

  7. Well I can't wait to get to know you better, and as far as never seeing the children we lost......yes we do they are our surprise gifts in Heaven, I love knowing God has been holding my daughter until I can. He always knows what is best for us. Talk to you soon, get that lunch date picked out.

  8. I hope you know how much WE truly love you and wish the best for you....Looking forward to Thursday....enjoy your you lots...steph

  9. What a wise husband you have. Please know that you are in my prayers. Also, thank you for the influence that you have my children you are a blessing.

  10. Char,
    Thanks for the props in the blog! I loved talking to you, duh, and miss you so much!

    Talk soon!

    Your old lady friend (this week),

  11. I'm so glad I have YOU as a coworker, and I just had that exact thought this morning as I was sitting in not forget and to keep in my daily prayers so many of my friends who have suffered loss this past year. I know God will keep healing your heart and I just want to help you however I can. Love you!


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