A Girl and A Date

Yes, we do!  We have a date for my c-section, but before I tell you about that, I want to share something that happened at one of our doctor's appointments yesterday.

Most anyone reading this blog knows about our past struggle with infertility.  We tried to have a baby for four years and in that time went through two miscarriages, some setbacks, lots of tests, more tests and more tests, and many treatments.

We ended up doing IVF this summer and we were blessed to get pregnant the first time with our precious twins.

Fast forward to yesterday in the doctor's office.  We are on the couch waiting to be called back; I am playing Angry Birds on McH's phone and he is reading a magazine, probably Golf or American Quarter Horse because he's multicultural like that.  Or multidimensional.  Multi-something.

In walks a girl probably in her mid-twenties, obviously coming from work.  But what I notice first is her attitude.  Someone opened the door for her to walk in and she didn't even acknowledge them.  I tend to notice that kind of stuff.  Maybe that makes me a snob, so be it. 

Of course, the (sadly) judgemental part of my mind starts reeling..."wow, how rude is she...look at her face...c'mon, smile a little...life is not that bad...etc..."  She was on the phone with her mother, and every other second was an eye roll, a curt comment, a brief answer.  I felt sorry for her mother who was obviously asking her things like, "what are you doing tonight?  What are you going to do for dinner?..." Things a mother asks.

She was even short with the receptionist.  

And here I was, HUGE pregnant staring her right in the face, wondering only one thing: what crawled in her hiney and died?  How embarrassing to admit that!  Another pregnant woman sat behind this "mad-at-the-world" girl and chatted away on her cell about an upcoming baby shower.

After a few minutes, I went back to my game.

The receptionist called her up to the window and asked her a question I couldn't make out.

But then, she pulled a little box out of her pocket and said, "I'm just here for the nurse to give me this...she's usually the one who does it."

It was a bottle of progesterone.

And it hit me.

And my heart felt like it might just break in a million pieces right there.

She was one of "us".  

An infertile.

She was struggling.

She needed prayers, not judgement.

She is bitter.

She is fed up.

She's tired.

And there I sat, big pregnant belly, only feet from her, seemingly without a care in the world.

She had no idea we are sisters.

Part of the worst kind of sorority.

Kindred spirits, but not of our own choosing.

I wanted so badly to go hug her, to put my arms around her and tell her it would be okay and tell her our whole story.

I wanted her to look me in the eyes and to be able to know that I didn't get to this place easily like so many others.  I struggled, too.  I felt that bitterness, the jealousy (at times), the hopelessness, the helplessness.

I wanted to yell at her, "I'm an infertile, too!  I get you!"  

We were called back shortly after that and while we were in the room waiting for our doctor, I asked McH if he noticed the girl.  He wasn't sure until I started describing her.

I said, "Did you see her eyes?  She is so bitter.  I recognized those eyes, babe."

And that was that.  I've thought a lot about her since yesterday afternoon.

I pray she finds peace and hope even when things seem so far from those two ideals.

But it also makes me so very thankful and grateful to God for bringing me through this struggle and this journey.  There are few things I enjoy more than talking to and hopefully helping those who are in the middle of what we are now on the other side of...that deep pit of infertility.  

Above all, God is good...even when we don't understand His ways.

We are living proof of just that and of God's promises and that His word is TRUE and ALIVE!  During our infertility journey, I clung to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11: "for I know the plans I have for you..."  Boy, did He!  And they are more than anything we could have ever dreamed of!  

SO.........

Speaking of miracles and promises...yesterday our c-section date was set:  Reese Kathleen and Truett Zeldon will make their debut (unless He has other plans) Monday, April 18th!!!

Also, they are BOTH weighing in at a whopping 5 lbs. 3 oz!!!  Yep, little Miss has caught up to her brother!  Way to go, Reesey!!

I am having some canvases painted to put above their cribs.  My mom's best friend, and our long-time family friend, Donna P. is painting them and McH and I decided we would each choose a verse to give her to use on one of the canvases.  I had been searching for a long time and was able to give her mine pretty quickly (Psalm 37:4...Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart).  But McH has really been contemplating and trying to choose what he thought would be the best and what he thought God was leading him to.  Last night on the way home, he told me he decided on the following verse; he kept going back to it over and over again so he felt confident this was the right one.  I think it is perfect!


Psalm 139: 13-14 (New King James version)

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb; I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

I'm Alive!!

I have not fallen off the face of the earth, dear BLENDS!  I've missed you, I've missed you so much!  Each time I have thought about sitting down to post, I figured I didn't have enough time/energy/mental capacity to get something coherent down, so I just decided to avoid it altogether.  Boo.

I don't even know where to start, but I do promise I will post all about my summer adventures at some point. 

The summer started with working another Walk to Emmaus, which was, of course, AMAZING!  I can hardly believe that was this summer...it feels like a lifetime ago! 

Then, my mom, Amy (my SIL), and I headed South for our much anticipated two-week jaunt to Peru!  It was spectacular and overall indescribable, really.  That is at least 2, if not more, posts in itself. 

I was home for a couple of weeks and during that time we worked on our new house day in and day out until I thought I would literally go insane.  If I never see another piece of trim or baseboard I have to paint white, I will not be disappointed in the slightest.  I do NOT suggest moving in the middle of a Texas summer to anyone.  It wasn't pleasant.  Not in any way.  The closing was a mini-nightmare due to some unforseen personality differences.  We'll just leave it at that.  But, as of the 5th of August, we've been in our new house and we are enjoying it for the most part.  My favorite word to associate with this house is POTENTIAL.  It really is a great house, it just has lots to do and right now my life is so crazy, it's been a slow go. 

In late July, Mchotterson and I started the invitro process.  My mom came up about 5 days ago and she and I stayed in Lubbock four days while I had daily doctor's appointments.  We got home yesterday afternoon, and I slept aSo far, things have been going really well and we just continue to pray they will remain that way.  I had to miss some training for school, and I hate that, but priorities are different these days.  I am headed to inservice tomorrow and I'm so excited to see all my friends again and get back into the routine of school.  There is comfort in familiarity isn't there? 

So, that is a very BRIEF synopsis of my summer.  Could I have packed anything else into my life this summer?  I can't imagine what it could be! 

If you're still reading, Blend, I'm grateful and I would ask you for prayers for McH and me.  You are the BEST and I've missed you so! 

I Know For a Fact The Earth is Round...

...because as much as you might have thought so, I have not fallen off of it!

Wow, BLENDS, first I have to apologize for my lack of posts in the last few weeks.  Things have been, shall we say, kind of nutty in this cowgirl's household.

I am going to use this post as a quick recap of what's going on in our crazy, but very BLESSED lives.

*School was over May 28th and I have already been enjoying my summer.  I've spent the last four days in Amarillo with my mom, taking care of her bestie, Donna, who just had shoulder surgery.  We had some family and friends over last night so Dad could grill for them and he didn't disappoint.  I love it when they are here!

*McH's new business endeavor is going really well.  In fact, it's doing better than we could ever have imagined...thank you, Lord...and he is looking at hiring someone to help him out.  He is spraying fields all the time and as soon as I start to complain about not seeing him, I remind myself that this is an answered prayer and God has been faithful to us...beyond our wildest dreams.



*We have been overwhelmed with blessings this summer in the form of answered prayer.  I think I mentioned a while back about possibly selling our house.  Well, it kind of fell through then, so I was okay with knowing we had given the decision over to God and continued to pray for an opportunity to sell in the future.  The opportunity came sooner than we were expecting.  Once again, our house was not listed or officially even on the market, but a couple from a little town South of us needed to move closer to the hospital and long story short, the contract has been signed by both parties, and we close on August 3rd.  Whoa.  That's still very surreal to me.  Part of me is very sad to be moving...okay a BIG part of me.  But again I am reminded that God has given us this opportunity (albeit in a way I wasn't really expecting, and in a way we will have to sacrifice quite a bit as far as our house goes), and so I choose to be abundantly grateful for it.  HE IS SO GOOD!!!  I'll post more about the house stuff later.

 *I have accepted a position as the junior English teacher, and will be teaching all juniors and one class of Dual-Credit seniors this coming year.  It's going to be a big year of changes for me, but I'm looking forward to the new challenges that come with this next school year.







*This weekend I was in Stanton for Women's Emmaus Walk #40.  What an honor to serve these women as a team member again this year.  I was just overwhelmed with God's grace and mercy as I saw the hearts of some of these women soften and the walls come crumbling down.  The Holy Spirit was powerfully present this weekend and it was an awesome sight to see!







* Did y'all notice the ticker at the top?  I can hardly believe it, but in EIGHTEEN DAYS I am leaving for my trip to Peru.  I've been saying I don't think I will really believe it is going to happen until I'm on the plane and headed to South America.  I am SO excited I can hardly stand it, but I also know there is a lot to do before I can leave!  I've been taking a Spanish class, which has now ended.  So, I'll be continuing to brush up on it on my own and getting my things together slowly.

*We have finally started our road to in-vitro and we couldn't be more excited.  Things are going to be really busy and crazy the next couple of months, but we are ready for whatever and wherever God brings us in this journey.  I don't really feel a peace about sharing all the details about our in-vitro yet, at least not with the whole world (because you KNOW the whole world reads this blog...lol), but as I feel led, I will share more as far as specific dates and things.  We would ask for your prayers as our friends and family.

NIAW: April 24-May 1

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to an end (April 24, 2010-May 1, 2010).  If you've read this blog before, you probably know we have been trying to have a baby for over 3 years; and even though we have achieved at least two pregnancies, because we don't have any children on earth, we are what the world, and doctors would call, infertile.

I remember first hearing that term and being overwhelmed with anxiety because of its implications.  the prefix -IN in front of any root means NOT.  And hearing that you're NOT-FERTILE sounds so final, doesn't it?  I think that's where my anxiety came/comes from...the fact that it just sounds, and many times FEELS, like the end of a dream.

However, it isn't the end and for many, many, many couples, a diagnosis of infertility doesn't mean they will never have children, it just means it won't be as easy as it might be for the Fertile Myrtles of the world...oh, how I loathe that term, in all honesty.

I've thought about posting something during NIAW, but I just couldn't get in my head and my heart what I wanted to say.

So, I thought I would give you few facts and Do's/Don'ts about INFERTILITY.  I guarantee, at some point in your life, you will meet, befriend, or possibly even BE an infertile.  Knowing more can help you relate.  One of the most challenging and difficult aspects of infertility feels VERY LONELY!

FACTS and SUCH

-More than 7.3 million people in the United States experience infertility.

-Infertility is a male problem 35% of the time, female problem 35% of the time, combined problem 20% of the time, and unexplained 10% of the time.

-Don't ever tell an infertile to relax!  Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system and relaxing, in most cases, will not solve the problem.  Plus, it puts a lot of unneeded pressure on the infertile couple and points out to them that part of the issue may be their fault.

-Infertility is a medical condition, NOT a sexual disorder.  The couple knows what has to be done, so no reminders are needed...please, and thank you. 

-Infertility is brutally expensive and can drain a couple of their financial resources.

-Infertility is ISOLATING!  As you look around and see your friends moving on with their lives, having children every other year, you start to feel left behind and stuck in neutral.  This is when support is essential!

This road of infertility, with all of it's twists and turns, hills and valleys, turns and u-turns has taught me more than I ever could have dreamed.  God is BIG!  God is INFINITE!

In God's dictionary, the word INFERTILE doesn't exist and that gives me great HOPE!

How May I Help YOU? Part 2 (see first part below)

Hello sweet Blends!  I fully intended on getting back to finish this story much sooner than now, but...well...it just didn't happen. 

So, let's just get right into it.  

I think I left off with the part where I was through with the program and planned on returning it the next day.

So, yesterday, during my conference I decided to email the people at Circle + Bloom to start the refund process.  The next part of this post is best explained by sharing our email correspondence with you.  

Here is the email I sent them initially (click on the picture to make it bigger)

And her first response to me:

And I realized after I'd sent it that my email didn't sound very nice, so here is my next response and my reasons for the program not working for me.  

And here is Joanne's next response:

Do you see what she is offering to do?  Basically, she wants to re-record the track that I was having issue with so that, if I'm interested, I can continue to use the program!!!  Are you kidding?  Who ever offers to do something like that.  Wait, it gets better...

Me:

Joanne:

And later..

And me again...

And Joanne's response:

And the last one from Joanne, in response to me asking whether she thought she could still edit the track that involved mother earth and such...

 In case you didn't follow that conversation, Joanne, the CEO of Circle + Bloom, is going to CHANGE the recording of Track 23 because she is dedicated to customer satisfaction.  Can you believe that?  

I just have to say, once again, that this is the absolute best customer service I've ever experienced in my life! 

If you are here because you, too, are an infertility sufferer, I would encourage you to stop by Circle + Bloom and at least check out the program.  You can download the free introduction and see what you think.  

Oh, and last night, I did as Joanne suggested and listened to Track 24.  As she promised, there was no mention of any spiritual beliefs or suggestions.  It was relaxing, and meditative, exactly what I initially bought the program for. 

I'm looking forward to hearing the edited version of Track 23!  

Hats off to you, Joanne and the staff of Circle + Bloom. 

How May I Help YOU? Part 1

 *DISCLAIMER:  I'm already anticipating some of the comments I might receive on this post, so I want to say first and foremost that in no way do McH and I believe this program itself is what will achieve pregnancy for us.  If we do get pregnant after using this program, we will give ALL GLORY AND HONOR AND PRAISE right where it belongs, to the MIGHTY GOD we serve and to Jesus his son.  We give him praise in the valleys and on the mountains and truly try our very best to live a James 1 kind of life.  And, through this journey, we have also learned that medicine, infertility treatments, and other interventions are to be considered blessings, not evils.  After prayer, there have been times we have decided to not try certain interventions, and likewise have felt God's directions to pursue others.  That being said, please do not leave comments like, "If you had enough faith and/or believed more, you wouldn't have to use medicine and you would be pregnant."  We've heard THAT before (amazing, huh?), and it just isn't productive, or true.  Okay, so now that we're all clear, I will continue!

Any time I deal with customer service, I can tell immediately if I will be a returning customer.  I have to tell you about the BEST customer service experience I've EVER had and it is actually not even completed yet.

As you know, a large part of this blog is dedicated to talking about our journey through infertility.  A few weeks ago, I stumbled across a reference to a website called Circle + Bloom.

Here is how they describe themselves:

Taking 15 minutes for yourself each day, in the privacy of your own home, you can reduce the negative effects of stress and direct your body with your mind to increase your chances of getting pregnant. Our program demystifies the idea of implementing both stress reduction and mind + body techniques to improve fertility. We’ve done the research for you and created a powerful regimen using relaxation techniques and daily guided visualizations that track the changes happening in your body on a monthly basis.

As most of you know, we are gearing up for IVF this summer, and I know my body is completely stressed out.  So, not only was I thinking this could help my fertility, but I thought it could help my mind/body relaxation overall.

I downloaded the free introduction sample and was happily impressed.

Yesterday, after fighting knots in my shoulders for the last two weeks, I decided I would finally purchase the program, download it, and put it on my iPod to start listening to tonight.

Circle + Bloom is unique in that each day of the 28-day program focuses on a different day of your reproductive cycle.  So, if you are in day 23, for example, you would start listening to Track 23 as it focuses on what your body is doing at that particular time.

Okay, I know it sounds a little out-of-the-box, but trust me, once you get to 4 years of infertility you will pretty much try anything as long as it doesn't involve sacrilege or any major crime (and MOST minor ones...JUST KIDDING) and is healthy.

I purchased the program, put it on my iPod and last night went to bed excited about trying it.  The first 8-10 minutes of the 15-minute program were awesome.  I was starting to relax and really seeing the benefits.

But then...there was a reference made to "mother earth," which I thought was a little strange, and not really my kind of thing; I decided to keep listening to see if maybe it was just a one-time occurrence.

Nope.  The voice continued to refer to mother earth and even went as far as calling her, "the breath of the wind," and "the creator of all animals," among other things.  The voice instructed you to be grateful and thankful, but in the beginning didn't address anyone/anything specifically to be grateful/thankful to, so each time it would give that instruction, I would think, "Thank you, Jesus" or, "Thank you, Lord."  But when she started instructing me to thank mother nature, well... 

That's when I was through.  I ended up being just as tense when the session was over, as when I started it, and I was really disappointed.  I looked over at McH and said, "Well, that's going back tomorrow. "

He asked why and I explained the situation; just as I knew he would, he absolutely agreed.

As a Christian I just cannot meditate on the idea that mother nature is the all-powerful creator.  I can't relax when that is being piped into my ears, my heart, my mind.  That may sound a little overprotective to some of you, or some might be thinking I'm overreacting and making a bigger deal out of it than it is.  But satan uses every opportunity he can, to slip through the smallest chink in our spiritual armor.

One of the easiest places to do this, is in our hearts, as seen in scripture:


Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"  


And...


Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Doesn't it make sense that our hearts, being deceitful, should be guarded 'above all else'?

So, without even listening to any of the other tracks to see what they were like, I set my iPod on my side table and went to sleep, determined to return it the next morning (today).
 
You are probably wondering what any of this has to do with customer service.

Well...

CHECK BACK LATER FOR THE SECOND (AND BEST) PART OF THIS STORY. 

DISCERNMENT AND PEACE

I can't give you details, but McH and I need prayers if you're reading this.  I can tell you it has to do with our future children and I can tell you it could be a good thing.  Would you just say a quick prayer for us? Specifically pray for DISCERNMENT and PEACE.

Thank you my friends and I promise to keep you updated...

Just a Little Hi and Hello

I haven't really taken the time to write about the random things in our life going on, so I thought I would do so now.

✠ Can you believe Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up so quickly?  I really can't.  I say that every year, but this year seems even worse, don't you think?  I'm really trying to be creative (okay, so thrifty really) and do some crafty things for gifts this year.  I don't want to go into detail because some who are reading this might be the recipients.  Maybe.  The hard thing about living in a small town, an hour and a half from the "city" is you are short on places to get supplies.  So, I will have to figure out what I will need and make one big trip west to the "city." 

 ✠ Not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I started teaching a Sunday school class this year and I'm really enjoying it.  Sometimes, I think I might get more pleasure out of it than the kids.  I'm teaching the high school senior group, so it's really nice because I've already had these kids in class and know them all pretty well.  I have a co-teacher, Mr. R so it's nice we can switch back and forth from Sunday to Sunday and takes the pressure off of being available every Sunday of the month.

We started practicing our Christmas cantata a couple of months ago and I have to say it is full of some of my favorite songs so far!  It is going to be beautiful and I'm such a sap because every time I sing certain songs (Silver Bells), I get all choked up.  I just love Christmas.  We've also started handbell choir practice and I LOVE IT!  I was so sad last week when I couldn't be there Sunday night; I was driving home from an Emmaus walk in West Texas.  The week before that, I didn't want practice to end!


✠ I got a really interesting and exciting phone call yesterday.  Because I'm not absolutely positive it is going to happen, I will just say I have been given the opportunity to travel to PERU at the end of June and if things fall into place, I will be South of the equator in a few months! 

I'm so excited I can hardly stand it and if it all works out, I'll be counting the days until we are headed that way!

✠ Speaking of June, I was asked to work another Walk to Emmaus at the beginning of June and I was so honored they would continue to think of me.  I was asked to participate in a special way (not that I make it special at all, but that the role is a special honor itself).  I am so thankful that even though I live much farther away than any of the other towns in the LaMesa de Dios Emmaus community, they still take the time to consider me to help.  I love the Emmaus community; I was part of a pretty large community in high school so I feel like I'm home in some ways when I'm at any Emmaus event!


✠ I am almost finished reading my latest book on infertility and it is the best so far!  I love that it gives you a scientific look with a Christian mind-set.  If you are dealing with infertility or know someone who is, and you are struggling (as I have been as of late), with making decisions because you aren't sure what God wants you to do, or what is okay, I would highly suggest The Infertility Companion by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer.  I have read many books during our journey and this is at the top of my list!


✠ The pups are sweet-as-ever.  They had some friends come for a sleepover last weekend and they LOVED it!  Huck and Finn, their Corgi friends were so cute and just played and wrestled with Maggie and Marlee.  H & F are only a few months old, so grandma Maggie had to put up with the youngin's once again!  Marlee was a beeeet jealous, bless her heart.  She growled once at Huck and I had to set her straight on the way we treat our company.  Growling is absolutely not good etiquette!  


✠ School is chugging along.  I had to take a "mental health" day Wednesday because Tuesday I woke up with such anxiety.  I hate that struggle with it because I know it is absolutely not from God, but there are literally some days I don't even know why it's there.  That was Tuesday.  I woke up with this awful feeling in my stomach and this sense of dread.  So, I took Wednesday off and did some relaxing, soaking, praying, rat-killin', sleeping, washing (of laundry), and general catching up.  I came back to school yesterday renewed.  And today, we are starting to read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold and so far they are loving it.  I did have to edit the first chapter quite a bit (because I know some of you reading were already starting to worry about it), but it made no difference.  They are hooked!


✠ We've had hunters/friends in at the land, so I haven't seen much of McH this week.  He's been gone two out of the four nights thus far, and I'm afraid the same might be true for tonight.  Now I know what those deer season widows feel like.


✠ As far as fertility stuff goes, I know there are some of you thinking something is up because I haven't posted about it in a while (my friend CLS has a theory about that)!  Honestly, there's nothing brewing.  And absolutely nothing brewing in my belly (that I know of)!  Ha!   McH and I are taking things easy and waiting for God's direction.  I can feel in my bones there is something big He is teaching me and that I'm growing in Him more than I ever have before.  So, we are trying things naturally, and after the new year we will reevaluate and go from there.  If things haven't worked by late spring, early summer we will start discussing our next steps.  Until then, I am just looking forward to getting to know Jesus more and building a stronger relationship with Him.


I don't believe God punishes us, at least not in the way many think.  Meaning, I don't think He's making me infertile because I haven't been good enough or have done something bad.  But, I do believe He ALLOWS us to walk in valleys and go through hard times because He knows the only way we can come out of it and stand on the mountaintop is if we run to Him and seek Him. Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."  James 1: 2-3 reminds us to, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."  I especially like The Message version of the same verse, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."  So, should I be shocked that after praying for years for a closer relationship with Him and telling the Lord that I just wanted to know know Him more, that I've been given the opportunity to do so?  Um, duh!  No!  I didn't pray for infertility, of course, but that is the means to my end.  If my life was hunky dory, easy cheesy Japaneesy, all the time, I wouldn't feel like He was all I had and all I could cling to.  


And I've come to another realization that is probably the hardest, and yet the most freeing conclusion yet...in the end, it's really not about a baby.  WHAT?  I know, I'm almost wanting to grab those words and stuff them back into my mouth.  But really, in the end, it's not about the child we want so desperately.  It's not about wanting to be a parent--a mommy--and making my husband a father.  IT IS ABOUT HIM!  That's what is at the end of this.  IT'S ABOUT KNOWING HIM MORE AND LOVING HIM MORE AND UNDERSTANDING MORE AND MORE HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME AND IS WOOING ME to His side.  And if it means I have to weather the storm to see the sun, then I'll do it.  Because in the end, that's what it's all about.  


It doesn't mean days aren't hard.  It absolutely doesn't mean I don't still have doubts and thoughts, and fears.  And it doesn't mean I don't still get MAD at God that we are having to go through this when 16 year-old girls are walking in and out of my classroom with bellies bulging from the life growing inside of them.  Yep, believe it or not, sometimes that DOES get to me.


I just want to know in the end, when this is all over, and we are parents (however that happens for us), that I took every opportunity to grow with and in Him. 


✠ So, there you have it...the Jenkins family updates!  Ha!  Aren't you glad you read it all?  I just know you are!  

Don't Just Hear It

Listen to it.  I've heard it before...it was part of Fireproof.  But I hadn't really listened.  God saved it for the perfect moment and then it ministered to my heart and put into words what I couldn't.  Never underestimate the power of a melody and God's timing.


John Waller - While I'm Waiting (Official Music Video) from Provident Label Group on Vimeo.

While I'm Waiting  
John Waller

I'm waiting


I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Psalm 6

I ordered a new book the other day and it finally came in. I grabbed it out of the mailbox this morning on my way to work. It intrigued me because it claims to be, "medically reliable, and biblically sound," and is published by the Christian Medical Association. When you deal with infertility, one of the hardest parts is having to choose between making medical decisions to intervene or completely waiting on God's timing and healing, or a combination of both. This has by far been the most difficult part of this for me. I don't like making decisions. So, as I've been reading a bit here and there in my new book this morning, I came upon an excerpt from Psalm 6. I grabbed my Bible and read it and it spoke to my heart this morning, as I'm dealing with a strange flood of apprehension and fear, neither of which are from God!


Psalm 6 (from NIV)

O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger

or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;

O Lord, heal me, for my bones
are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?

Turn, O Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave?

I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

Note: Emphasis is mine.

I CaN't BeLiEvE I'm PoStInG ThIs

But I know if I don't, I might revert and decide to not follow through with the huge decision I made yesterday.

It all started as I was perusing some blogs on infertility. I was looking for some of those fun blingy things to put in my sidebars (and I found some, btw...check 'em out...aren't they fun and blingy?).

I "happened" upon a blog about a woman who had once struggled with infertility and our stories and reasons behind our struggles were the same. We both dealt with hormone problems, but never could pinpoint the exact issues. As I read, I learned some really interesting things, more of which I'll talk about later.

But one thing that really stuck out to me was her paragraph about caffeine. I've always heard it's a good idea to limit, if not eliminate your caffeine intake both before and during pregnancy. I did this for a while, but honestly when things didn't work out, I got so frustrated and decided I deserved AT LEAST to be able to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning if I wasn't going to be able to have a baby (can anyone relate????)!

My caffeine intake usually consists of 1-2 cups of coffee in the morning on most days, plus some iced tea in the afternoon. Coffee every day, tea maybe 3 days a week.

After reading this article/blog, I have decided I need to take the leap of faith again,

and...

********************************GASP****************************************

give it up!

I decided this yesterday and today was my first day with NO COFFEE!

Yep, cold turkey!

And I have to admit, I'm dragging this afternoon, but I know it will be worth it.

p.s. Has anyone heard of Estrogen Dominance? If so, would you leave me a comment. I'm curious. Thanks!