Psalm 128:1: Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in OBEDIENCE to him. (NIV)
Psalm 128:1: BLESSED (HAPPY, fortunate, to be envied) is everyone who fears, reveres, and worships the Lord, who walks in His ways and lives according to His commandments. (Amplified Bible)
You may think that now that I'm pregnant, all my thoughts about infertility have gone by the wayside. I must tell you, nothing could be further from the truth. There are days when my heart just aches for my friends, fellow-bloggers and even family who still struggle with having a baby.
Richard and I tried to start a family for four years. In fact, our first miscarriage was March of 2007, and if all goes as planned, and God willing, I will deliver the twins just a few weeks after that four-year mark.
Through those days, weeks, months of struggle, I questioned so many things in my life. Was I being punished for bad behavior earlier in my life? Why would God do this to us? Why are so many unwed, teenage girls able to get pregnant on a whim and not even want their babies, and here I am struggling so much to just have ONE shot?! The list goes on and on.
Slowly...and I mean, S-L-O-W-L-Y...I began to realize that having a baby wasn't what this whole journey was about. Yes, it was what our goal began as. But through the four years (I'm a slow learner, it seems), God taught me about the bigger picture. He showed me it wasn't all about having a baby. Nope. God was much bigger than that. And I don't mean that it was about having TWO babies, either. I was on a journey that was no one else's but mine. Having a baby at 15 wasn't my story. Having a baby after trying for one month wasn't my story. Adopting a baby wasn't my story.
Somewhere in the process, He placed this thought in my head. "If I go through this whole process only focusing on the end result (having a baby), I could miss an opportunity to know my God on a much more personal level and to reach a point in my faith I've never been and I REFUSE to miss that chance by dwelling on the struggle."
And so began MY STORY of obedience. My flesh cried out MANY, MANY times to turn the other way and run to the easy choices. But my heart and my soul said otherwise.
When I finally surrendered and told God I would do WHATEVER He wanted me to, even if it meant not being able to have a child, I actually meant it. I meant it because I finally got it. I understood what being OBEDIENT and being a disciple meant and that even though it hurt at the moment, I knew something bigger, and grander was waiting for us when the journey ended.
I read a post today on one of my favorite blogs. Malinda, at A Gift Worth the Wait, has such an amazing and inspiring perspective on adoption and God's plan and will in her family's life. I first found her blog when we were contemplating adoption a couple of years ago. Go on over and read about what is going on in their lives and how they have lived in obedience to God's will and calling.