Monday, July 06, 2009

I Don't Want to Be Her

I don't want to be that girl today.

I don't want to be strong.

I don't want to be the one they say has such great faith.

I don't want to pray about it...again.

I don't want to put a smile on my face.

I don't want to pretend I'm okay.

I don't want to hear nice things about how great it's going to be SOMEDAY.

I don't want to wait on a phone call.

I don't want to check levels.

I don't want to plan the rest of my summer because of timing.

I don't want to keep waiting and waiting.

I don't want to be her.

I WANT to cry.

I WANT to scream at God.

I WANT to curl up in a ball in my bed and stay there all day long.

I WANT to watch t.v. and numb my heart and just space out.

I WANT to know WHY?!

I WANT what they have.

I WaNt to be obedient.

I WaNt to love Him no matter what.

I WaNt to want to be her.

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Posted by Charla (SHar-la) at 11:23 AM
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15 comments:

  1. ElaineJuly 06, 2009 12:54 PM

    I can't imagine the struggles....I won't be the one that says "someday" today, just thinking of you.

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  2. Jenschke FamilyJuly 06, 2009 1:29 PM

    Oh honey, my heart aches for you. It is not fun being you at this time. The "someday" word is horrible and patience is just not a possibility today. Just know that God does still love you even in your moment of doubt, your moment of weakness. He is your peace when YOU are ready! Love you!

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  3. JackieJuly 06, 2009 2:25 PM

    All I can say is that "I can't imagine" and that "God is with you." Just know that I am thinking of you and that prayers are with you!

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  4. HeatherJuly 06, 2009 2:52 PM

    I know all of those feelings...There were days when I questioned if I had any faith left at all, I wondered what on earth God was doing, and why he thought I needed to be the one to travel that hard road. I can't say I have been EXACTLY where you are but I am praying...

    This verse has always helped me...

    "We are hardpressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
    II Corinthians 4:8-9

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  5. jerriannJuly 06, 2009 3:14 PM

    I'm so sorry you have to walk this road. It doesn't seem fair, I know. I am praying for you. I love you. I miss you. Let's get together. This week. is Wednesday good for you or Friday better?

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  6. Lauralee Beth Torchia ProvenzoJuly 06, 2009 3:17 PM

    Hello. Just checking out new blogs and I really like yours. Feel free to come check out mine if you'd like. I thought this was really great writing, too. Well have a lovely day!

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  7. JuliaJuly 06, 2009 7:26 PM

    All I can say is that I feel your pain and it SUCKS! I love you and I am praying for you everyday! You have my number if you ever need to call and scream, or cry, or rant, or just chat.

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  8. CorrieJuly 06, 2009 8:37 PM

    And none of us want you to have to do those things you don't want to do either. Any of us would change things if we could.

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  9. Lori BJuly 06, 2009 9:07 PM

    Like so many, I've felt those feelings in a different situation. The amazing part is that even when you can't be THAT person, God knows you still are. My heart aches for you and I pray you are comforted by the many people who love you for being you.

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  10. DonnaJuly 06, 2009 10:06 PM

    I think there's something to be said for putting it out there, getting rid of the toxic thoughts and then putting on your big girl panties and forging through again. I know I have done the same thing with my posts when the pain is so great. I know your stock, the family love and support. I hope you will find contentment with what God has in store for you. Love ya!

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  11. SharonJuly 06, 2009 11:51 PM

    I love you and I'd love to hang out this week if you are gonna be around. Let me know what night might be good to cook out or something!

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  12. MamaJuly 07, 2009 12:43 AM

    Oh, Girl. Been there. Some days are just like that, and it's ok to say so!

    I like what Donna said above: get it out and get on with it.

    Now, I hope you'll take this the way it's intended (smiling!):

    1. Be careful what you pray for. I now have one teenager for every single time I prayed for children during those horrible, no-good, very bad infertility years. God has a wicked sense of humor.

    2. I am always more than happy to share my blessings with you. What day do you want them????

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  13. HilaryJuly 07, 2009 9:27 AM

    I know saying to hang in there seems so empty...but God hears you!!! I know how you feel and it hurts sooo bad!! Reading your word made me tear up for you..oh honey!! I'm praying for you and your hubby that God gives you the miracle that your heart so desires.....praying

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  14. House of PayneJuly 07, 2009 4:40 PM

    I am praying for you. God Bless You.

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  15. Kelly BaileyJuly 07, 2009 7:33 PM

    Sorry about the bad news. Keep the faith. It is hard and better days are ahead. I love you and miss you.

    Kelly

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