Tuesday, July 07, 2009

It's Done for 2009

Yesterday was an extremely difficult day for me. I am hoping it will be considered the worst day of 2009 and I will be done with it! In fact, I'm determined it will be. Done.

I'm amazed at how God communicates with me sometimes. I wanted nothing to do with listening to Him yesterday. Remember, just being honest here.

Yesterday, I got up and immediately a feeling of doom just fell over me. It is so hard to explain, but I can't imagine any of you haven't felt the same way at some point. I mean, I literally felt a cloud hanging over my head...agitated inside, irritable, angry, frantic.

So, I sat on the couch and tried to drown it out with television, but I couldn't focus. I kept thinking about God. Nothing specific really, just Him and what He's about and how I didn't understand Him sometimes.

And then the tears started and they just came and I couldn't control them and I sobbed and I screamed at Him and begged of Him, and asked him why.

And then the phone rang.

It was my mom and she had some news. It turns out my dad has prostate cancer. We talked some more and I cried some more. She gave me lots of information and reassurance. He will have his prostate removed in a few weeks and everything looks very positive. His cancer is contained and he will have a robotic procedure done to remove it. So, even though the news was not good, it could have been much worse.

I get off the phone with Mom and I'm sobbing again. But something picks me up and takes me into the kitchen and I start to make lunch for Richard and me, something I wasn't planning on doing that morning. It seems so small, but it was, in some small way, a step forward in that moment. I just had an urge to move forward and move on from that single second, on to the next. That was my pace yesterday morning.

I bawled over a pot of boiling eggs for tuna salad. I laid my forehead on the counter and just let my shoulders heave, and for the first time that morning, instead of talking TO God and yelling AT Him, I cried out FOR Him. I begged Him for help and told Him I needed Him and I didn't know what to say. And He heard me.

2 Samuel 22:7
In my distress I called to the LORD;
I called out to my God.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears.

So, the day was filled with emotions, up and down and all around, but as always, this too shall pass and slowly things started to even out and the day continued. We worked in the country, talked with my parents again, and I had a good night's sleep.

You know when you have those "aha" moments, or those, "i've never thought about it that way" times? Well, I had one yesterday in the midst of all of this chaos and it's going to be so ridiculous, but I'm going to share it because it is what prompted this post in the first place.

All of a sudden, while we're out in the country feeding horses and checking on cows, it hits me. "Charla, you can either let this day own you, or you can make it a day that glorifies God because He has pulled you out of the mire and the pit you woke up in and it's the least you can do for Him to put a smile on your face and find something to be thankful about. You have a choice to have joy or not, and you're the only one that can make it. So, it's time to put your big girl panties back on, and get over it."

I promise those of you who left that in your comments to me in yesterday's post, those are EXACTLY the words that I said to myself...BIG GIRL PANTIES and all!

And by the end of the day, I was better. Not great. But okay.

Slowly, I have come to realize that it was nothing more or less than spiritual warfare I was dealing with. I 100% believe that we are dealing with an evil spiritual world here on earth and that our prayer is what keeps Satan and his demons at bay. If you've never read Frank Peretti's This Present Darkness it will open your mind to the power of prayer and to the potential power Satan has over our lives.

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

So today I've golfed, I've lounged by the pool and I've been thinking and praying.

I do hope posts like this serve to glorify Him and that no person reading them ever feels like I've given up on Him. Even in the worst of times, I will serve Him because it's all I know to do. I just feel like it is so important to show the world that Christians are just as weak as the next person and that the ONLY way we climb back up onto our feet is with the help and GRACE of Jesus Christ. If this blog was only filled with the "good stuff" of life, it wouldn't represent me and my daily struggle to love Him more and live in obedience to His Word, something I struggle with every second of my life!

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  1. honest, raw, and uplifting. beautiful post out of a not so beautiful day. Thank you

    by the way, love the picture.

  2. Very honest post - you put yourself out there and by doing that you are glorifying God.. Sorry about your father - the "c" word is a tough one.. Stay strong in your faith.



  3. It's hard to wear big girl panties, isn't it?!? I'm so proud of you, of the strong woman you are. You are bringing glory to God!

    And just do you know, I'm praying for oyu every Wednesday. I hope you feel covered tomorrow!

  4. Keep those "big girl panties" handy! Honey, you will need them all through life!

    So happy you are having a better day! Keep your chin up!

  5. God is so good!!! Love ya sister!

  6. Charla,
    Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you and your dad. And I really appreciate honest posts like this.
    Hope you guys have a better tomorrow!


  7. You are awesome in God's sense of the word. I'll keep both you and your dad in my prayers. I went through my father having colon cancer. It was an extremely rough and emotional year, but he is doing well - thanks be to God! Life is a rollercoaster -spiritual, physical, emotional. Hang on tight and say your prayers!...and try to enjoy the good parts!

  8. sweet, sweet charla you amaze me....

  9. Charla, So sorry to hear about your Dad!! We will be praying for the family, and know that you are all in good hands!!

  10. There ya go, Girl! That's the Charla (SH-arla) I know. ;-)

    You know, I much prefer to wallow in it myself, so it's encouraging to me to see how you turn it all around by turning it over to Him.

    Praying for your Dad. Please let me know when the procedure will be done.

  11. I have been thinking about you. Your post has made me realize that I too can glorify God or let Satan get the best of me. I'm lifting your family up at this time. I know it must be difficult. Your faith makes me seek a stronger relationship with Him, and your willingness to be so open makes a world of difference.

  12. Hi Char,
    I wish sweet Taco didn't have this to overcome. I know it is a scary time. My Papa Jim had prostate cancer last year, he wanted to have the surgery, because it is the quickest and best treatment in his eyes, but since he was 80 and had a surgery a year before, he couldn't. So, he did the radiation treatments for a few months and did very well.
    One thing that was an absolute blessing, was that at the same time, one of his friends (who is about your dad's age) also was diagnosed. The two men rode into SA every morning at 4:00 and got their treatments and then came back for their normal work day. It gave them the ability to keep it quiet, and have someone to talk to. In my opinion, things like health issues can be hard on men b/c they are so private.
    All of this did take some energy out of Papa, but he overcame it, and is amazing and healthy! I know your dad will do wonderful; he is healthy and very strong. :)

    Send all love and hugs to Taco for me, and know that I will keep him in my and my family's prayers!

    Thank you for the sweetly sincere post.
    love you,

  13. Charla, sorry to hear about your dad! Cancer is a touigh one!!! But I will pray for you & your family, especially your dad!!! Cancer survivors are the STRONGEST people, physically & emotionally that I know!!! Love ya, Claudia Marion, Wheeler

  14. charla, i am so sorry to hear this news. my heart just breaks for you. i wish i knew the perfect words to say, but know that you are in my prayers every day, and now your dad is as well. hang in there, sweet friend.

  15. oh char! so sorry to hear all this! You and the family are in my prayers daily! I am looking forward to seeing you soon! love you!

  16. love this. love your faith--thanks for sharing it.

  17. ALSO--thank you for encouraging ME about a silly blog post about a pointless subject like weight when there are bigger things out there (like you sweet daddy) to worry about. you are a gem. i love you even without ever meeting you. keep your faith strong, girl!


  18. Oh, I LOVE that last paragraph.... Christians are just as weak, but what separates us is that we don't have to overcome our weaknesses alone! So true. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but thought I would comment b/c my dad had the same thing last year. He had actually had angiosarcoma (a very bad form of cancer) the YEAR before! They caught it early, and he was able to have a surgery and has not had any issues. Then the prostate cancer hit, and we all thought ...AGAIN?! I wanted so badly for him to have his grandchildren he had been hoping for for so long. Then the prostate cancer meetings started, and quickly our whole family was at peace...as quickly as the cancer sprung up, our peace was restored. It's funny how that happens. From what we learned, prostate cancer was very common and very treatable. I hope all this talking/writing brings you a little reassurance. I will say a prayer for your father and for your family. May you all be blessed with the same peace that only we as Christians know. :)


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