Yesterday was an extremely difficult day for me. I am hoping it will be considered the worst day of 2009 and I will be done with it! In fact, I'm determined it will be. Done.
I'm amazed at how God communicates with me sometimes. I wanted nothing to do with listening to Him yesterday. Remember, just being honest here.
Yesterday, I got up and immediately a feeling of doom just fell over me. It is so hard to explain, but I can't imagine any of you haven't felt the same way at some point. I mean, I literally felt a cloud hanging over my head...agitated inside, irritable, angry, frantic.
So, I sat on the couch and tried to drown it out with television, but I couldn't focus. I kept thinking about God. Nothing specific really, just Him and what He's about and how I didn't understand Him sometimes.
And then the tears started and they just came and I couldn't control them and I sobbed and I screamed at Him and begged of Him, and asked him why.
And then the phone rang.
It was my mom and she had some news. It turns out my dad has prostate cancer. We talked some more and I cried some more. She gave me lots of information and reassurance. He will have his prostate removed in a few weeks and everything looks very positive. His cancer is contained and he will have a robotic procedure done to remove it. So, even though the news was not good, it could have been much worse.
I get off the phone with Mom and I'm sobbing again. But something picks me up and takes me into the kitchen and I start to make lunch for Richard and me, something I wasn't planning on doing that morning. It seems so small, but it was, in some small way, a step forward in that moment. I just had an urge to move forward and move on from that single second, on to the next. That was my pace yesterday morning.
I bawled over a pot of boiling eggs for tuna salad. I laid my forehead on the counter and just let my shoulders heave, and for the first time that morning, instead of talking TO God and yelling AT Him, I cried out FOR Him. I begged Him for help and told Him I needed Him and I didn't know what to say. And He heard me.
2 Samuel 22:7
In my distress I called to the LORD;
I called out to my God.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears.
So, the day was filled with emotions, up and down and all around, but as always, this too shall pass and slowly things started to even out and the day continued. We worked in the country, talked with my parents again, and I had a good night's sleep.
You know when you have those "aha" moments, or those, "i've never thought about it that way" times? Well, I had one yesterday in the midst of all of this chaos and it's going to be so ridiculous, but I'm going to share it because it is what prompted this post in the first place.
All of a sudden, while we're out in the country feeding horses and checking on cows, it hits me. "Charla, you can either let this day own you, or you can make it a day that glorifies God because He has pulled you out of the mire and the pit you woke up in and it's the least you can do for Him to put a smile on your face and find something to be thankful about. You have a choice to have joy or not, and you're the only one that can make it. So, it's time to put your big girl panties back on, and get over it."
I promise those of you who left that in your comments to me in yesterday's post, those are EXACTLY the words that I said to myself...BIG GIRL PANTIES and all!
And by the end of the day, I was better. Not great. But okay.
Slowly, I have come to realize that it was nothing more or less than spiritual warfare I was dealing with. I 100% believe that we are dealing with an evil spiritual world here on earth and that our prayer is what keeps Satan and his demons at bay. If you've never read Frank Peretti's This Present Darkness it will open your mind to the power of prayer and to the potential power Satan has over our lives.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
So today I've golfed, I've lounged by the pool and I've been thinking and praying.
I do hope posts like this serve to glorify Him and that no person reading them ever feels like I've given up on Him. Even in the worst of times, I will serve Him because it's all I know to do. I just feel like it is so important to show the world that Christians are just as weak as the next person and that the ONLY way we climb back up onto our feet is with the help and GRACE of Jesus Christ. If this blog was only filled with the "good stuff" of life, it wouldn't represent me and my daily struggle to love Him more and live in obedience to His Word, something I struggle with every second of my life!