Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I cannot believe it, but I just finished the second day of my EIGHTH year of teaching. Something about 8 seems like more than 7. Hush. I know it's more than 7, but I mean WAY more than 7. I remember so well my first year teaching...

I was engaged, planning a wedding, and getting married in October. I was finishing graduate school. I was driving an hour every day (two, round trip), and I had NO CLUE what I was doing. I taught 7th grade Language Arts in Marlin, Texas my first year. It was basically a sink and swim situation, and although I survived, I think my head was underwater most of the time! I remember feeling SO guilty when those kids went on to 8th grade because I felt like I had given them nothing (and hadn't done their 8th grade English teacher any favors, either).

The next year, I changed schools and made what would be one of the best and most challenging moves/decisions of my life. I began teaching my 2nd year at Jane Long Middle School in Bryan, Texas. And this is where I taught with the best group of teachers ever! We called ourselves the Dream Team because we just flowed so well! There were five 6th-grade Language Arts teachers, one of whom ended up being my sister-in-law! When I stop to think about that time in my life I can truly say it was THE most I've ever been challenged professionally. Despite the fact that I was working with a great group of ladies and administration, I lost weight, spent nights crying, lost my appetite every day, and had to be more creative than ever because the circumstances and the children I was faced with were just overwhelming. But, I learned so much about myself, about others, about why certain kids act certain ways and about perseverance in the Lord. I don't know what I would have done without Him at that time.

Which leads me to today. I spent 3 years in Bryan. That is the same amount of time that we have now been trying to have a baby. My emotions and feelings are similar to those I had during my first year in Bryan, but I must admit I've been challenged in my personal life and faith more in the last 3 years than ever. It is the times when I know God has gotten me through really tough situations in the past, that I lean on now. Most of you reading this know tomorrow is the day I go in for bloodwork and to find out if the IUI we had done a couple of weeks ago was a success. I started off very optimistic and remained so until a couple of days ago. But now, I must be really honest; I don't have good feelings about it. You know sometimes you just have that gut feeling that things aren't right? Well, it's partly that, and partly the fact that I know my body really well because of all of this, and I'm trying to accept the fact that tomorrow there is a good chance the news from the doctor won't be what we are hoping for. I really haven't shared that with anyone because it's too painful and seems like too much of an effort to even begin speaking of.

Again, it won't be the end of the road for us, but it will be the beginning of a very stressful, time-consuming and expensive journey and one I'm not sure we are meant to take anyway.

I need God's guidance and I need to know He's okay with this decision if it is the one we are to make. But hearing His voice has been so very difficult for me lately. Maybe I overanalyze. Maybe I'm just not listening. I'm not really sure. All I know is this has been the hardest part of the whole journey for me. I want so badly to please Him and be obedient. I want it with all that I have and I want it so much that tears are welling up in my eyes, and I'm starting to sob as I type these words.

But here I am, wanting so badly to know His will and hear His voice, and at the same time being TERRIFIED to even ask Him for fear of what He might say or what the answer might be.

It sounds like such a contradiction.

I was chatting with a friend the other night on Facebook. She was telling me how much she admired my strength and faith, and that she wished she had that in her life. All I kept thinking was she must be mistaken because I've never felt more weak, powerless, out of control and needy, in my entire life. The closest I've ever come to this is that first year teaching in Bryan.

I write all of this because as readers, you all know I am nothing if not brutally honest on this blog. It is my catharsis, and also something I look forward to looking back and reading later. I like to think of it as a prayer journal of sorts, too. A way to look back and see God's blessings and answers to prayer.

So, my friends and family, I would ask that you pray for peace and strength tomorrow, no matter what the outcome. Would you stand in the gap for me? I can't seem to quite get it all together to do so for myself.

Oh, and wouldn't you know that I am going to have to be out of school tomorrow for a UIL planning meeting out of town? So, I won't get to actually give my blood until the afternoon sometime, which is kind of a bummer, but also a blessing so that I can be at home if they call later that day.

Of course I will update after tomorrow.

As always, Waiting on Him...

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  1. What ever the tests say tomorrow, your Lord, your family, and your friends will be surrounding you with love. Know that. Mom

  2. You know Charla, the hard part is accepting that God only offers us peace, not happiness. I believe the stronger we are in our faith the more trials are put before us. You can let the devil creep in and take away your faith or you can have your moments of doubt and your moments of heartache with that little piece of faith you have left. You can hold on to the thread that still remains and hold on tight. Beleive it or not it will get your through. That is how God works. When we are at our weakest He is at His strongest. You will see it some day, I promise. Some day this will all be a horrible memory but a very time where you grew the most. You will survive this! I know you can't see it, but you will. Let God carry you. It is ok to doubt, to be angry, to wish, to desire. Even Jesus got angry and questioned our Father. Do not feel guilty.

    I love you and I am praying for you no matter the outcome. Either way, you still have a long, expensive road ahead of you! Hold your chin up....God will lift it for you if you can't!

  3. Be still and know I AM GOD...those are the words that came to me as I read this post.It will not matter the outcome of tomorrrow, be still and know He is with you every step of your journey....I am praying for you sister, I to have been on the waiting end, hoping, wondering , it is not easy. I am here and have an ear,be a snowcone deliverer, pep talker a shoulder anything you need...I am a call or text away.Love you and praying for you both.

  4. Charla,
    I started tearing up the second I began reading the paragraph you wrote about JLMS and then the tears just flowed throughout the rest of your post! I have to say that teaching on the dream team was one of those blessings that you would never ask God for because you can't imagine wanting to put yourself through something that hard...but in the end it is a blessing I am so thankful for because I was stretched and grown in a way that I am so thankful for! What an experience that was and to share it with such awesome ladies!
    I will definitly be praying for you tomorrow! I look up to you and your faith now just like I did back at JLMS :)

  5. Oh Charla, my heart aches for you. You will make a wonderful mother someday..it just may not be as soon as you want it to be and I'm so sorry you've had to endure such heart-breaking agony and tribulation. I know people have differing opinions on adoption, but you two could give a sweet child a truely blessed life. Even if a child is not created in your womb, it will be created out of love and God will have a very special plan for him/her. It will amaze them to know how much they are desired and loved. Sweetheat, I will have you in my thoughts all day and in my prayers. While you feel weak and if you do fall, know that He will give you strength to endure and pick you up.

    Love, Elaine

  6. Charla, I wrote you an e-mail a couple of days ago telling you that we are going through almost the exact same thing. Please know that you will be in my prayers tomorrow because I know what a stressful day it is. I can tell you are such a strong person, and I have never even met you! God does have a plan for you, and believe me, I know it can be hard to see the path. Keep the Faith!!! Much Love, Courtney

  7. "But here I am, wanting so badly to know His will and hear His voice, and at the same time being TERRIFIED to even ask Him for fear of what He might say or what the answer might be."

    ugh. heart breaking. i have SOOOO been there, woman. i think i avoided God for a good year of my life because of this...SO afraid to know what his answer would be. i'm praying for amazing results and for a peace and calmness to take over your body today.

    love you,

  8. I'm praying for you and your husband!!!

  9. Love you! Hang in there today. My prayers are with you.

    All my love,

  10. I have nothing profound to say other than you are in my prayers today and always! Be blessed, my friend!

  11. "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland" (Isa. 43:19).

    I'm praying for you!


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