I cannot believe it, but I just finished the second day of my EIGHTH year of teaching. Something about 8 seems like more than 7. Hush. I know it's more than 7, but I mean WAY more than 7. I remember so well my first year teaching...
I was engaged, planning a wedding, and getting married in October. I was finishing graduate school. I was driving an hour every day (two, round trip), and I had NO CLUE what I was doing. I taught 7th grade Language Arts in Marlin, Texas my first year. It was basically a sink and swim situation, and although I survived, I think my head was underwater most of the time! I remember feeling SO guilty when those kids went on to 8th grade because I felt like I had given them nothing (and hadn't done their 8th grade English teacher any favors, either).
The next year, I changed schools and made what would be one of the best and most challenging moves/decisions of my life. I began teaching my 2nd year at Jane Long Middle School in Bryan, Texas. And this is where I taught with the best group of teachers ever! We called ourselves the Dream Team because we just flowed so well! There were five 6th-grade Language Arts teachers, one of whom ended up being my sister-in-law! When I stop to think about that time in my life I can truly say it was THE most I've ever been challenged professionally. Despite the fact that I was working with a great group of ladies and administration, I lost weight, spent nights crying, lost my appetite every day, and had to be more creative than ever because the circumstances and the children I was faced with were just overwhelming. But, I learned so much about myself, about others, about why certain kids act certain ways and about perseverance in the Lord. I don't know what I would have done without Him at that time.
Which leads me to today. I spent 3 years in Bryan. That is the same amount of time that we have now been trying to have a baby. My emotions and feelings are similar to those I had during my first year in Bryan, but I must admit I've been challenged in my personal life and faith more in the last 3 years than ever. It is the times when I know God has gotten me through really tough situations in the past, that I lean on now. Most of you reading this know tomorrow is the day I go in for bloodwork and to find out if the IUI we had done a couple of weeks ago was a success. I started off very optimistic and remained so until a couple of days ago. But now, I must be really honest; I don't have good feelings about it. You know sometimes you just have that gut feeling that things aren't right? Well, it's partly that, and partly the fact that I know my body really well because of all of this, and I'm trying to accept the fact that tomorrow there is a good chance the news from the doctor won't be what we are hoping for. I really haven't shared that with anyone because it's too painful and seems like too much of an effort to even begin speaking of.
Again, it won't be the end of the road for us, but it will be the beginning of a very stressful, time-consuming and expensive journey and one I'm not sure we are meant to take anyway.
I need God's guidance and I need to know He's okay with this decision if it is the one we are to make. But hearing His voice has been so very difficult for me lately. Maybe I overanalyze. Maybe I'm just not listening. I'm not really sure. All I know is this has been the hardest part of the whole journey for me. I want so badly to please Him and be obedient. I want it with all that I have and I want it so much that tears are welling up in my eyes, and I'm starting to sob as I type these words.
But here I am, wanting so badly to know His will and hear His voice, and at the same time being TERRIFIED to even ask Him for fear of what He might say or what the answer might be.
It sounds like such a contradiction.
I was chatting with a friend the other night on Facebook. She was telling me how much she admired my strength and faith, and that she wished she had that in her life. All I kept thinking was she must be mistaken because I've never felt more weak, powerless, out of control and needy, in my entire life. The closest I've ever come to this is that first year teaching in Bryan.
I write all of this because as readers, you all know I am nothing if not brutally honest on this blog. It is my catharsis, and also something I look forward to looking back and reading later. I like to think of it as a prayer journal of sorts, too. A way to look back and see God's blessings and answers to prayer.
So, my friends and family, I would ask that you pray for peace and strength tomorrow, no matter what the outcome. Would you stand in the gap for me? I can't seem to quite get it all together to do so for myself.
Oh, and wouldn't you know that I am going to have to be out of school tomorrow for a UIL planning meeting out of town? So, I won't get to actually give my blood until the afternoon sometime, which is kind of a bummer, but also a blessing so that I can be at home if they call later that day.
Of course I will update after tomorrow.
As always, Waiting on Him...