Think about those times when you've been in a hurry to get somewhere; especially those times when someone is waiting on you to leave for somewhere. Maybe you're going out with friends, and you're just taking too long. So, the others decide to leave you behind and ask you to catch up with them later. The whole time you are finishing getting ready, all you can imagine is that they are having all the fun before you can catch up. You feel like you've been left behind and you're missing out.
Well, that's how I've been feeling the last year or so, but most especially the last few days. You know the theory about death coming in groups every three years? The idea is that death is somewhat cyclical, and a handful of people you know or are associated with in some way will die around the same time every three years. I know, it sounds crazy and morbid, but it has its validity.
This is also how the cycle of pregnancies go. It seems like every 12-18 months, there is a new crop of friends announcing pregnancies. I know it is my age. I just turned 30, so all of my friends are having babies still. The thing is, most are having their second, or third; or they already have two or three or four and are finished.
And here we are. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing.
They've left the runway, are flying high, and are starting the descent to their destination and we haven't even been cleared for takeoff yet.
I feel like I'm being left behind.
And as I type this, the tears well up in my eyes because as strong as I am and as much as I really, really do want what God's will is in our lives and as much as I do try to trust Him in all of these crazy decisions we make, it doesn't mean I don't have really hard days. The last couple of days have been that way.
We found out today that we won't be celebrating good news with anyone soon, so that just throws another kink in it all. We were hopeful, but it just didn't happen.
We were hopeful because being pregnant this month would mean we wouldn't have to make the decision to go ahead with IVF or not.
I have to be honest and say I've never made a harder decision IN MY LIFE, than this one. It keeps me up at night.
And the longer we wait to make our decision, the more left behind I feel. I feel like my life has been doing the same thing for the last six and a half years, and everyone else moves along because their children grow, and there are different activities to follow them to, and new school years, and new friends and futures to look forward to, and milestones to reach.
That's another thing with infertility. When your friends have kids, they naturally get together to do kid-related things. And not because they have any intention in leaving you out, they naturally don't think to invite people who don't have kids, because why would we want to hang out with people and all of their kids? For people who have them that would be the worst kind of torture, I'm sure. So as a woman, I miss out on a lot of together time, because I don't have children I'm following and seeing other mommies while I'm at it.
There are also times when I'm at a table of women at a social function and the conversation revolves solely around kids and what they are involved in and what's coming up and dance and gymnastics, etc...sometimes it is more than I can handle and I smile and nod and pretty much stay silent, because what can I add to that? I haven't been there and I haven't done that.
But I really, really want to.
And I do want to say something to all of you parents, but most especially mommies. I would never, ever ask you to not talk about your kids around people struggling with infertility. No way. That's your life, and that is what you have to talk about, and someday when I do have children, I will talk about my kids all the time, too. But one thing I will never do around people I know are having trouble having a child is complain about my children. Never. Believe me, we realize kids can be frustrating and overwhelming sometimes and of course it's okay to vent. Just think about the company you keep when you're doing it.
Because the person sitting across the table from you as you tell about all the little things that get on your nerves about your child, is praying every hour of every day for one chance to have something to contribute to that conversation; they just want one chance to be a mommy or daddy, and they would take all the frustrations, complaints that go along with it, if it meant it was their turn.
There are thousands of women and men who suffer the harsh reality of infertility. Most of the time, the fertile world has NO idea they might be being somewhat insensitive around their infertile friends, so here is a website I found that gives those who might be concerned some tips on Infertility Etiquette. Some are more sensitive than others. Personally, I rarely get my feelings hurt or fight the battle of jealousy. But I am not immune to either and both can rear their ugly heads at any moments notice. Check this site out, if you feel led.
Can I ask all of you lovely readers to do something for me? Would you please say a very specific prayer for Richard and me? Would you pray that God would give us a peace about the decision that we make concerning our next steps in our journey toward children? Would you pray that when we make the right decision, there would be a FLOOD of peace come over our hearts? I am going to need God to literally hit me in the head, because my heart is saying one thing, but I want to make sure I'm not being deceived and doing something just because I want it more than I've ever wanted anything. Because even though I want children more than I've wanted anything in my life, I truly, truly, honestly want to honor and glorify my heavenly Father more. Even though I don't necessarily want to want that more, I really do. Because I know He deserves it and I know He wants that from me. And even though I don't understand it one bit, except to know that He is growing us from this and that on the other side of this battle, someday we might see how we have learned to love Him more and trust Him more, I do want to listen for His voice before we move forward.
This is written on the marquis of a small church across the highway from us and every day I read it on my way to school and it just makes me feel good inside.
"The trueness of one's belief, is revealed in times of pain."
Waiting on Him,