Saturday, September 26, 2009

Left Behind

Think about those times when you've been in a hurry to get somewhere; especially those times when someone is waiting on you to leave for somewhere. Maybe you're going out with friends, and you're just taking too long. So, the others decide to leave you behind and ask you to catch up with them later. The whole time you are finishing getting ready, all you can imagine is that they are having all the fun before you can catch up. You feel like you've been left behind and you're missing out.

Well, that's how I've been feeling the last year or so, but most especially the last few days. You know the theory about death coming in groups every three years? The idea is that death is somewhat cyclical, and a handful of people you know or are associated with in some way will die around the same time every three years. I know, it sounds crazy and morbid, but it has its validity.

This is also how the cycle of pregnancies go. It seems like every 12-18 months, there is a new crop of friends announcing pregnancies. I know it is my age. I just turned 30, so all of my friends are having babies still. The thing is, most are having their second, or third; or they already have two or three or four and are finished.

And here we are. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing.

They've left the runway, are flying high, and are starting the descent to their destination and we haven't even been cleared for takeoff yet.

I feel like I'm being left behind.

And as I type this, the tears well up in my eyes because as strong as I am and as much as I really, really do want what God's will is in our lives and as much as I do try to trust Him in all of these crazy decisions we make, it doesn't mean I don't have really hard days. The last couple of days have been that way.

We found out today that we won't be celebrating good news with anyone soon, so that just throws another kink in it all. We were hopeful, but it just didn't happen.

We were hopeful because being pregnant this month would mean we wouldn't have to make the decision to go ahead with IVF or not.

I have to be honest and say I've never made a harder decision IN MY LIFE, than this one. It keeps me up at night.

And the longer we wait to make our decision, the more left behind I feel. I feel like my life has been doing the same thing for the last six and a half years, and everyone else moves along because their children grow, and there are different activities to follow them to, and new school years, and new friends and futures to look forward to, and milestones to reach.

That's another thing with infertility. When your friends have kids, they naturally get together to do kid-related things. And not because they have any intention in leaving you out, they naturally don't think to invite people who don't have kids, because why would we want to hang out with people and all of their kids? For people who have them that would be the worst kind of torture, I'm sure. So as a woman, I miss out on a lot of together time, because I don't have children I'm following and seeing other mommies while I'm at it.

There are also times when I'm at a table of women at a social function and the conversation revolves solely around kids and what they are involved in and what's coming up and dance and gymnastics, etc...sometimes it is more than I can handle and I smile and nod and pretty much stay silent, because what can I add to that? I haven't been there and I haven't done that.

But I really, really want to.

And I do want to say something to all of you parents, but most especially mommies. I would never, ever ask you to not talk about your kids around people struggling with infertility. No way. That's your life, and that is what you have to talk about, and someday when I do have children, I will talk about my kids all the time, too. But one thing I will never do around people I know are having trouble having a child is complain about my children. Never. Believe me, we realize kids can be frustrating and overwhelming sometimes and of course it's okay to vent. Just think about the company you keep when you're doing it.

Because the person sitting across the table from you as you tell about all the little things that get on your nerves about your child, is praying every hour of every day for one chance to have something to contribute to that conversation; they just want one chance to be a mommy or daddy, and they would take all the frustrations, complaints that go along with it, if it meant it was their turn.

There are thousands of women and men who suffer the harsh reality of infertility. Most of the time, the fertile world has NO idea they might be being somewhat insensitive around their infertile friends, so here is a website I found that gives those who might be concerned some tips on Infertility Etiquette. Some are more sensitive than others. Personally, I rarely get my feelings hurt or fight the battle of jealousy. But I am not immune to either and both can rear their ugly heads at any moments notice. Check this site out, if you feel led.

Can I ask all of you lovely readers to do something for me? Would you please say a very specific prayer for Richard and me? Would you pray that God would give us a peace about the decision that we make concerning our next steps in our journey toward children? Would you pray that when we make the right decision, there would be a FLOOD of peace come over our hearts? I am going to need God to literally hit me in the head, because my heart is saying one thing, but I want to make sure I'm not being deceived and doing something just because I want it more than I've ever wanted anything. Because even though I want children more than I've wanted anything in my life, I truly, truly, honestly want to honor and glorify my heavenly Father more. Even though I don't necessarily want to want that more, I really do. Because I know He deserves it and I know He wants that from me. And even though I don't understand it one bit, except to know that He is growing us from this and that on the other side of this battle, someday we might see how we have learned to love Him more and trust Him more, I do want to listen for His voice before we move forward.

This is written on the marquis of a small church across the highway from us and every day I read it on my way to school and it just makes me feel good inside.

"The trueness of one's belief, is revealed in times of pain."

Waiting on Him,
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  1. Charla,

    My heart is breaking for you as I read your post. I will pray for the peace you and Richard are searching for in your decision. I'm sorry that you are not understanding the road God has put you on.
    This was a very good post. I am on both sides of the fences...I am able to talk/ complain about our guy, but I had a friend complain about her pregnancy the other day and I understand how hard it hurts. You would trade shoes with someone like that for the experience in a heartbeat.

    Thank you for sharing your news with us and I will keep you in our prayers.

  2. Very well said! I know how you feel and I understand this struggle. All we can do is hold on to our Hope, our Faith, and Trust Him!!!

  3. What a beautifully written post! I know there are many of us who can completely empathize. I will pray for you guys. It was just a few months ago when my husband and I were in the exact same place, making the same decision. God gave us overwhelming peace about our decision in the doctor's parking lot!

  4. I'm sorry Charla. I'm sorry that your arms are empty.


  5. Oh Charla, I have been on both sides of that fence! I begged God for years to bring us a child. I screamed in heart break each and every month doubting how my Father could put me through such torture. It was just plain cruelty!

    I remember the day we made our decision to adopt. It was the most relieving, most comforting, most peaceful feeling I have EVER felt in my life. We just went to an adoption orientation to just "check it out". That night at the hotel, I looked at Lonnie and said "I am ready." He said, "I was hoping you would say that." We hugged and cried and it was over. The heart ache, the doubt, the disappointment, was over!

    Now, you know Garrett does drive me absolutely insane at moments BUT my life is richer because of him. My life is purer because of him. My life is complete because of him!

    Guthri was a complete surprise. Five years earlier we had lost our other son, Grady, so unexpectedly in the 40th week of my pregnancy. I never thought I would trust God again. I actually thought He was punishing me for something I had done. It was horrible. Then at the age of 36, completely content with my life, thrilled with my one child, here comes what I had begged for 10 YEARS earlier!

    I have written a novel to tell you God will do His will no matter your decision. It does not make your decisions any easier, any more comforting. But, go with your heart and be at peace!

  6. Sorry, one more thing! I am praying like I have never prayed for you before. He will bring you peace in His time.

  7. Charla,

    Praying! I used to want to shred baby shower invitations when Doyle and I were trying. I know the struggle of being torn to use infertility meds and procedures vs waiting for God to create the miracle. I pray God FLOOD you with peace and that His Will is a MEGAPHONE to your ear so that you know whether you turn to the right or left you hear his voice saying: "This is the way walk in it!" Walk Charla and trust. Did you find the book I told you to search for? Love to you!

  8. Charla,
    I'm praying for peace for you at this time..for wisdom to make the right decision for you and your husband. This is a hard road to walk I know...praying for your heart!!!

  9. I love you Char and I understand you in my own weird "feels like I am the last single person" way. Continuing to pray!!!

  10. Charla,

    I soooo completely know this road you are walking. I am at exactly the same point in our fertility struggle - trying to decide if we should go with IVF or not. It's such a difficult decision, and trying to be discerning about what God wants for us right now. I will be praying for you and your husband, and asking for clear direction and peace.

  11. Praying that God will lead you to His decision and surround you with peace and love.
    Thank you for being such an inspiration to me!You are going to make the Best mommy...I truly believe its just a matter of time.


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